Being ‘Triggered’ by Your Partner

Why is it that our partner is the person who can annoy or disappoint us more than anyone else we know? What does it mean……..about our partner…….about us…… about our relationship? One answer is that there’s something wrong with our partner or with the relationship and that either our partner has to change or it’s time to move on.

Maybe, but there is another possibility. Perhaps the reason we get triggered by our partner, by which I mean we experience high levels of emotion – annoyance, disappointment etc., is to do with our expectations? Sure, it’s ok – more than ok – to have expectations of our partner and of our relationship. However, when these are what I refer to as ‘here and now’ expectations, they don’t generally trigger high levels of emotion if they’re not met. High levels of emotion are usually an indication that what is being triggered is a past experience, normally with one or other parent when we were growing up.

The sort of things that can trigger us in our relationships are not getting our needs met, being misunderstood, perceived unfairness or threat and our partner’s anger or disapproval. This list is not exhaustive – I’m sure there are many more! The common factor in all of these is that they are also features of the kind of imperfect parent-child relationships many of us have experienced.

Whether we know it or not, most of us create a relationship with our partner that is based on our experience of our own upbringing. Often, we’re trying to heal wounds from our past by choosing someone who we believe can give us what our parent(s) were unable or unwilling to give. This is entirely understandable since those wounds can be painful and persistent, but it is, I’m sorry to say, futile. I’ll explore this later. The important point is that the experience of being triggered is really the opening up of these childhood wounds that we may have thought we’d healed, but which in reality, had just been scabbed over. When we’re growing up, we have to survive, not just physically, but emotionally and this can often involve supressing or covering up our needs, anxieties etc and ‘getting on with life’.

There’s nothing wrong with this at all and very often our childhood wounds can enable us to develop skills and motivation that can lead to success in the world. However, in our relationships, because they are, at least potentially, as intimate as those with our parents, it’s not surprising that the wounds we’d thought we’d healed open up again, especially when the relationships get difficult. Of course, most relationships don’t get difficult straightaway, and some can go on for a number of years before much triggering occurs. This is usually because both partners are, without being aware of it, adopting similar strategies as they used in childhood to get their needs met, avoid disapproval etc. The ‘honeymoon period’ of a new relationship can give way to an unspoken agreement not to rock the boat.

Sooner or later, though, the boat does get rocked – one or other partner goes off sex, there are external pressures on the relationship – work, money, children, a parent of one of the partners dies. One of you meets someone else……..?

Is this ringing bells for you? If it isn’t, I’m very happy for you and you don’t really need to read any further unless you’re feeling curious. If it does, though, I imagine you’ll now be wanting to know what to do about your experience of being triggered by your partner and this is where I need to return to the question I left hanging earlier.

Many people I come across in my couple therapy practice believe either that it’s their job to make their partner happy and fulfilled or their partners job to make them feel happy and fulfilled or both. This isn’t really surprising because it’s part of our culture from fairy stories to romantic movies. And it’s also true that relationships can be fulfilling and a source of great happiness, but this mostly comes from what you share with your partner rather than what they give you. Certainly, it’s when we come to depend on our partner for our fulfilment and when we see this as our or their responsibility that the problems start.

So, what can we do about this experience of being triggered? Well, the first thing is to recognise that this is what’s happening and that the high levels of emotion we’re experiencing have more to do with us and, most likely, our history than with our partner and whatever they may have done or said. This isn’t easy. In the heat of the moment, we believe that our partner is the problem and if only they were more reasonable, understood us better or were more generous with us there wouldn’t be a problem at all.

A good place to start is when we’re out of the situation. The argument/row has reached its predictable stalemate and we’ve withdrawn from our partner to ‘lick our wounds’. It’s tempting then to go into a pattern of thinking about our partner along the lines I’ve already mentioned; solidifying our negative image of them. If you can, an alternative is to keep the focus on you; how you’re feeling, the feelings you’re left with. Let the feelings be there. Don’t try to change or modify them. Notice if the feelings are familiar. Typically, there will be anger and, if that anger is dominating any other feelings, it can be good to find a way to discharge it by going for a walk or a run. However you do it, it’s aimportant to find out what’s underneath the anger.

In my experience, anger is often a response to our needs not being met or considered, to feeling misunderstood, judged, not accepted or not loved. It can be a good idea to revisit that experience, which usually has its roots somewhere in our childhood. Sharing this insight with our partner is probably quite challenging, but finding a way to do this can heal and deepen our relationship. Paying attention to and valuing our feelings and their true source becomes more familiar the more we do it and this means that we will become aware of what’s happening before the row/argument develops. This means that we can acknowledge to our partner that something is happening inside us that they didn’t cause, and which means that we might need to withdraw from them in order to deal with it.

I hope you’ve found what I’ve written here useful. If you want to contact me with any questions, you can do this via this website